Spare the Rod or spoil the Child?

 I smacked my six year old yesterday. I try not to smack at all but yesterday was one of those days.
I was smacked as a child probably because I am African and that's our culture. However, if you asked my mother why she smacked me, she would probably tell you that she would smack you too for asking.
Believe me, smacking was the norm and for the fear of the rod, every child behaved and had impeccable manners.

Now I know that if you are from other parts of the world, that may sound disturbing or archaic to you. Until very recently, I have also been taking the "no smacking, just time out route".
I'll tell you why I quit with the smacking. Firstly my husband is against hitting a child, He thinks it is stupid and cowardly. Secondly, one time my daughter asked me why I wasn't like her friends mom, who always talks so nicely to her children even when they misbehave.

She said, "mom, Susie's mom never smacks, all she does is tell Susie very nicely to behave and then Susie stops, so why won't you just do that instead of yelling and smacking?"
I told her it was because I had to keep telling her the same things too many times over and whenever I yelled it was because I was tired of telling her sweetly.
I also explained that if I smacked her, it was because I was exhausted from yelling. She disagreed with me and let me know that she was seriously considering moving to Susie's home in the future.

 Same thing happened yesterday, I had talked nicely, yelled and then a little smack came out of my hands.

Guess what she did? She started laughing.
She laughed at me so hard that I became ridiculously confused. When I asked her why she thought it was funny, she told me, it was because I looked like Cinderella's step mother. This didn't make any sense to me so I told her off and walked away.
Shortly after, she had some friends over and I heard her telling them  that I  had smacked her and it didn't even hurt at all.
I was devastated. Not because it didn't hurt at all, but because she felt like all I was trying to do was to hurt her.

 Just before bedtime,  I sat her down and asked why she thought I smacked her. She told me it was because she was naughty, however she wasn't sure she could trust me because I broke my no smacking promise.
She also asked me how I would feel if my mom smacked me. After telling her that I was smacked as a child she asked me how I felt about it.
Truth be told, smacking did help me behave better, but I absolutely hated it. There were days when I thought my beautiful soul of a mother was a witch because her hands were quick.
Smacking is a serious and scary experience for children. Is it worth it? Aren't options like being grounded and taking certain privileges better?
Educational Psychologist, Lynne Fry argues against smacking, speaking to The Mirror online she offers candid advice. She says that:

The threat of any punishment: - including violence - never works. She believes that it has no impact, especially if the parent doesn't follow through with what they say they'll do.

Without advocating smacking, Lynne recommends following through with a punishment, and having a three-step plan in place: Going from a soft warning, to a firmer warning, up to showing your anger - then carrying out the punishment.

That smacking is a sign of weakness:
Admitting she resorted to giving her son a smack once - something she regrets - Lynne explains: "It's too emotional a reaction. For example, if your child is swearing you need to think the whole thing through, and come up with a two-pronged approach and decide how you reward the appropriate behaviour while addressing their bad behaviour." 

I guess what this means is that smacking is taking a lazy way out of the situation.

Smacking is never going to build a good relationship:
If smacking as a punishment becomes commonplace, it can be damaging - and foster a desire for revenge as the child gets older.

 I have never really planned on taking a revenge on my mom. I did hide her shoes once though. I also remembered vowing with my siblings that when our uncle had children, we would retaliate by punishing them because he was really mean to as kids.

We have gotten older and wiser, he does have children now and we have never been mean to them.

Maybe the question we should be asking is how best to address our children's excesses?
Well, Lynne is an advocate of 1-2-3 Magic , a parenting guide which lays out a three step plan.
She also advises getting down to your child's level when telling them off, and maintaining eye contact with them - making them take notice of what you're saying.
"Speak softly, tell them their actions are unacceptable and here's what you're going to do about it.
Citing a study carried out in Australia, Lynne adds: "Children who ended up as well-adjusted adults were treated consistently, predictably and fairly in childhood."

I am not completely sold on not smacking but I will not be smacking her for a while. I will practice the 1-2-3 magic, Get down to her level, maintain eye contact and help her understand what I mean and need her to do and I will see how that goes.

Who said parenting was easy? please share your thoughts and lets learn from you.